I Wish
by Luna Tiarra
Summary: A short story about Usagi's feelings. Usagi reflects on her past and we see a side of her that is so often overlooked...Please R&R!!!


I Wish  
Author: Luna Tiarra  
-Konichiwa minna-chan! This is a short story summing up Usagi's emotions. It's based on a poem called "I Wish" so please R&R and let me know what you think of it!!!!  
  
Please remember  
Bring back the part of me that I lost so long ago  
The innocence that was my eyes  
The untarnished surface of my skin   
Bring me to the past where I was beautiful within   
Where I knew that life was beautiful and nothing would ever change  
  
Usagi gazed out the window. Her eyes reflected a deep sadness but their indigo depths refused to moisten. She watched as the rain hit the window's smooth surface and slid down in little tear drop trails. She wished she could go out into the rain now. Go out and dance in the rain like she had as a child. She was so careless then. So unburdened by life's trials and pains. She hardly remembered the feeling of joy that had been so real and pure as then. The joy of innocence. Even now, every smile she felt cross her face seemed to fade and leave her more immune to that joy than before. Now she wondered how she could have been so pure. She was once a lovely creature with dreams and inspiration. Now she was a murderer.   
  
I want to go back to how things used to be   
To when I could laugh without it being forced  
Bring back the miracle of my childhood days when everything sparkled  
When tears were shed for simple problems  
And stars were brighter than the moon  
Bring me to a place where light was all that I could see  
Where no shadows caressed me and brought me to that darker state of mind  
  
She lost a little bit of herself every time she killed. Every time she heartlessly slaughtered those beings known as youma. She felt a pang of guilt every now and then. Some dim part of her old self questioned the morality of her deeds. Some vague, naïve hope kept her wondering, maybe hoping, that the Dark Kingdom was perhaps somewhat good. General Jadeite, for instance. He had been so kind to her at times. He had displayed emotions such as caring and kindness. He offered her a smile every now and then, when he was sure that they were alone, that warmed her heart and lit a small flame of hope within her frozen soul. He recognized that they were no longer companions, they were enemies now. But he still wanted her to know that he wished it weren't so.  
Then she had killed him. Killed a man that had been her best friend so long ago. On the moon kingdom he had been her closest friend and confident along with the other generals. They had shared an unbreakable bond. She hated Queen Beryl for taking them away. For taking away the most precious things. She blamed the dark queen for everything. For her lost past, her lost humanity, her pain, her tears, everything. And she hated the woman with so great a passion that it at times startled her senses.   
  
On those nights when you can't settle down no matter what you do  
You feel like throwing it all away  
Don't say a word, just surrender to the raging emotions  
Usagi pressed her cheek against the window; let the cool glass moisten her cheek. She did not smile or frown, simply stared numbly at the street. She watched the people run beneath their umbrellas. Watched small children perform innocent little dances with huge grins on their youthful faces. She saw them smiling. She saw them laughing. She saw something that made her want to cry. An innocent spark lit her heart's tiny flame. She felt her emotions clashing. Her old self wanted to run out and laugh with them. Go and jump in the puddles and then run back into the house laughing and yelling for her parents to come see. She remembered her parents. They were so good to her. They never knew why she had changed. She always wondered if they had noticed it at all, then dismissed the idea as a common misconception. They couldn't see her crying into her pillow at night. They weren't capable of seeing what she hid so carefully. She felt a pain swell inside her and let her eyes close. Visions of the past, her past, flashed before her eyes. Luna changing everything. Youma changing everything. Queen Beryl and the Negaverse changing everything. Jadeite smiling at her as he died. His blood on her hands. Nephrite dying in Naru's heart broken arms. Everything changed. She saw her tiny face smiling up at a boy with black hair, offering him roses. Offering him something beautiful. Mamoru changed everything.   
  
You told me once that I could be whatever I wanted to be  
What happened to the dreams I used to chase?  
The images have faded to black, they're almost gone  
I wish I could reach for them as I did before  
Without this sinking feeling of insecurity and uncertainty   
It's a more mature view of the world around me that brings me to my knees  
Begging for a part of my old self to return  
  
She wanted to be innocent again. She wanted the oblivious, laughing girl she used to be to suddenly appear in the mirror. Not this fallen angel with such a distorted sense of right and wrong. She wanted to revert back to what she was before. It hurt so much now no matter what she did. She had given up everything for the sake of her "destiny". She had lost her friends and family…lost her happiness and carefree nature…everything that had once made her Usagi was gone now. She still harbored some faint and fading hope that it was all locked away somewhere in the depths of her being. Somewhere deep inside her there must be some remnants of the past. Something that might warm her cold spirit. But all of her dreams of a normal life filled with ordinary problems and ordinary circumstances were gone. They had been taken from her. She blamed no one. She could not point her finger at the mirror. She couldn't help being who she was. She was born to be someone that she knew was meant for great things.   
  
I want to go back to the way things used to be  
A smile for a smile, a heartbeat against the winds of change  
I see the image that is my reflection and I wonder who it is  
There's nothing more disturbing than to see yourself through the eyes of another  
To walk in the shoes of your past is a dream that many share  
When I see who I've become I realize that what I admired as a child is not what I am   
  
Now she saw the foggy glass reflecting a delicate face with feminine beauty etched in its surface. She hated being pretty. Everyone had a dream as a child. Hers had been simple, so simple and innocent. She had wanted to be a beautiful bride. She wished to marry the man of her dreams and walk down the isle with rice being thrown at them. She wanted to dance in an elegant wedding gown and feel the love in the atmosphere. Love was her dream. A love so pure it could overcome all obstacles. A love not intended through obligation or false lust, she wanted a love that came from knowing another person heart and soul. She wanted that kind of love that came once in a lifetime. Mamoru didn't offer her that kind of love. He did not have that kind of love to offer. She knew he loved her, but he loved a part of her that she no longer had. He loved Serenity. But the Serenity he saw in her had changed. She had learned new things, matured more since her days on the moon kingdom. She had developed. Now Usagi was sure that the love that she had for Mamoru was simple affection. An idle favoritism perhaps. She hated facing the realization, but she knew that this lifetime's events were constantly being powered by the events of her past lifetime.   
  
I want to go back and correct what needs correcting   
Offer better judgment to the naive girl that made so many mistakes   
But a mistake is a mistake and you can't heal a scar that you've gained along the way  
A part of me is still the innocence of my childhood  
But I've put that behind me on this road of life  
  
Usagi sighed, chewing on her lip in thought. She knew that she couldn't go back and change what happened. She couldn't change the past. She looked out the window, seeing the sun begin to seep through the depleting clouds. She felt the warm rays filtering through the tear-stained surface of the window. Her eyes filled with a warm peace.   
She was who she was. Her life had been a long journey of sadness and tears, joy and laughter, happiness and pain. Everything she had done and would do would add to her personality and shape her into the future queen of one great nation. She was to be something and she would become what fate had chosen. She glanced at the mirror. For an instance the image of a small little girl with bright indigo eyes and bouncy golden curls smiled up at her. The image danced before Usagi and laughter echoed in her ears. Usagi's finger tips pressed against the surface of the mirror and she watched the mirage of chibi-Usagi take hold of her fingers and swing them about. She laughed gaily and babbled on about the wonders of the rain. Usagi smiled slightly.   
  
I'll travel it holding the hand of the girl I once knew, her eyes so sparkling and alive  
She's smiling at me without care for appearance or responsibility   
Without knowledge of the world around her, a world of beautiful, hurtful things  
Things that she will only dream of  
But I'll let her see things that way  
Because that's the way I wish to see them  
And I won't spoil it for her   
  
Usagi watched the girl's shadow fade from the mirror's surface and she placed her hand over her heart. She smiled. It was still there. Somewhere deep within her heart's most secret chamber, there resided a smiling, laughing little girl with bright eyes full of laughter. And this image of a young woman's wise and somber gaze that she saw reflected in the mirror was smiling now for her. For that little innocence that was still kept alive and that happy spirit that she still felt at times. The woman smiled for her. Smiled for everything that she had been and was and would become. Usagi smiled.   
And she laughed.   
  
The end 


End file.
